Loose Ends, Number Four

Snapple Facts -- 

Or Why I Hate American Politics

Several years ago I began collecting lids from the glass Snapple bottles. Each lid comes with an arcane "real fact" printed on the underside.

I don't collect all "real fact" lids, just the ones that fit a category that lies a tad beyond bizarre and decidedly to the vaccuus side of trivial. This is where the true genius of the "facts" themselves lies.

Case in point is Real Fact" #880, "A Venus flytrap can eat a whole cheeseburger."

The cheeseburger fact is empty but compelling,. It is a bit like the accident you can see happening but can't turn away from. The information itself is beyond useless.  There is no way to verify the truth of the statement should you even want to -- unless you had a Venus flytrap and were willing to sacrifice it to the cheeseburger experiment.  I am dead certain that the cheeseburger would kill the little vegetable meat-eater.

Perhaps there are Venus flytrap researchers out there who might also supply the data for us, but I don't have the ambition to track one down.

Apparently there are hundreds of these "real facts" out there waiting to be encountered.  The highest numbered "real fact" I have is #917, which says that "The average lead pencil can draw a line 35 miles long or write roughly 50,000 English words."

Consider that: over 900 facts that have no use and no value, but are, nevertheless, genuine curiosities, real brain grabbers.

Fact #917 appears reasonable, by the way, although I have no idea how close it is to being true. As with the flytrap - cheeseburger question, I am not motivated to find out. For all I know, a pencil researcher just "did the math" and never drew any lines at all. A smart mathematician could devise the formula, couldn't she?  At least that is what mathematicians always claim -- math can explain everything.

I keep my "real fact" lids in a metal can that was once filled with mint balls.  Uncle Joe's Mint Balls, to be precise, made in Wigan, England, according to the can; they are made of cane sugar, oil of peppermint, cream of tartar, and NO artificial additives.

The can also claims they are "PURE" and "GOOD," although I can't attest to either. I ate the last one decades ago.

This is, I suppose, a strange subject for meditation, although I am seized with an odd conviction that may give it a certain rationale. A few days ago I came across a Snapple lid that gave the real name for Barbie, of Barbie-doll fame. Amazing.  I mean, I had no idea! Barbara Millicent Roberts. A tad pretentious, perhaps, but good to know.

What really struck me about this Barbie "fact' is that my immediate reaction was to connect it to Sarah Palin, for some reason.  Huge cognitive shift here: I remember how relieved I was to be in London during the off-year election in 2010 since the London papers generally ignored the political noise and nonsense from back home.

I was asked once at a men's prayer breakfast to explain the American fascination with Sarah Palin as potential national candidate. These good Christian men were hoping for some insight.

Sadly, I was no help, being mystified myself.

My confusion got me a few laughs. The English, apparently, find us amusing when we are not trying to be too impressed with ourselves.

Now, after what seems like eternal presidential campaigning, during which a little other-worldly wisdom from Sarah Palin might be amusing, I would be in favor of exchanging campaign seasons for this: have each candidate write on a 3X5 card why I should vote for him and publish it in the newspaper every day for the first week of November.

This brief foray into the political realm reminds me of a few more "real facts" I am strangely fond of.
Number 893, fitting for October, reads, "Jack-O-Lanterns were originally made out of turnips."

I want very much to believe jack-o-lanterns were originally made of turnips, as it suggests simpler times, when politicians were public servants, men of substance. Still, I am finding it hard to believe anyone would go to all the work of hollowing enough space in a turnip for a lit candle.

Another favorite falls into the campaign promise kind of category.  Real Fact # 823, "Sailors once thought wearing gold earrings improved eyesight."  This one, far-fetched as it appears, sounds about right.  Because, why not? Sailors have not always been the brightest stars in the sky.

My actual point here is that much of what we call political rhetoric is largely of the same order, curiously fascinating but essentially pointless. And even should we think it true, it's hard to judge the actual value of the information.

"Real Fact" 795: "Hawaii is moving toward Japan at the rate of almost 4 inches per year."

Should we be worried?  Is the key word here "almost"? Or is 4 inches likely to create international issues during my children's lifetime?

My all time favorite "Real Fact" is the lid that got me started in the first place,  # 786: The brain operates on the same amount of power as a 10-watt bulb.

Kind of makes you wonder doesn't it, what that says about those of us who can't get enough of the political talk?